Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Day 143

It has been a pretty fair day. I woke up doing better. Less congested and feeling semi normal. Though my neck has been raw and it is driving me nuts. I bet I've drank more today than I have in years, just trying to ease my throat. It doesn't feel like strep. I think it is mainly from sinus drainage.

The boys and I spent the entire day here at the house, again. Man it is getting old. Michael's truck was overheating due to something being wrong with the head. Either a crack or the gaskets need replaced. This really makes me mad because it is going to cost at least $1000 to get it fixed. That is $1000 we don't have and he had to borrow from his retirement. He will pay back a little each week out of his check. It is better than borrowing from the bank, but I hate that we have to do this at all. Anyway, he has been driving my vehicle and that leaves the boys and I at home all day. If we could have went outside today it would have been a lot smoother day. But, as luck would have it, it rained until late this evening, and we were cooped up in this house. Thank God for Legos.

Yesterday I had a really down day. I did better with my food/exercise, but my mood was in the pits. I really don't know exactly why, but I felt so alone. I really miss working outside the home. Well, maybe it isn't the work, I just miss socializing with other adults. I feel like I have no friends. No real ones in real life anyway. I have several really good friends that I talk to online, but our phone never rings unless it is my Mom and I couldn't tell you the last time I spent a day with a friend. Before anyone gets the wrong impression, this has nothing to do with Michael. He is fantastic. It would just be nice to have some girl friends.

In high school I didn't have a lot of friends, but the ones I had were fantastic. One lives about 20 minutes from me, but never calls. I spent a lot of time trying to be her friend when I was in college, but I think my decision to go to a different one from her cost me her friendship. Another moved away and found a life there that didn't involve me. Then sadly, the one girl I had been closest to since third grade passed away.

I have Mel, she is my sister-in-law, my best friend, and she is great but we rarely get to see each other in person. She lives about 45 minutes away and with gas prices they way they are, we don't get to visit like I would hope. Thank goodness for the Internet and being able to talk to her all the time on here. If not, I'd go completely insane. I appreciate her so much.

I'm not sure why, but with most people (not including Michael or Mel) I feel I always end up being the friend that gives everything and never receives anything in return. I am the friend who calls, who asks you over, cooks you dinner, who remembers birthdays and anniversaries. I am the friend who really cares, who you can call in the middle of the night and I'll be there. Yet, I am the one who gets walked all over. A phone call every six months to tell me about some affair they are having with a married man because they know they can tell me anything and I am there for them even if I don't agree with what they are doing. I am there for them to talk to without passing judgement. But once they don't need that anymore, I am dropped like a hot potato.

My cousin has this fantastic friend who calls her multiple times a day, their families hang out every weekend. When she is sick, the friend brings her potato soup. I am that friend to others, why can't I have a friend like that in my life?

In the past, I think I let people treat me badly because I felt like I didn't have a choice. Once I realized I didn't have to let people treat me that way, they all walked away. Leaving me alone.

Sorry to ramble... I just needed to get all this out. I just want someone to call and actually ask how my day has been. To listen, to care. I want someone who accepts the fact that I am best friends with my husband and that I'm not going to go out partying with out him. Someone who is OK with the fact that if I go shopping, my kids come along. I am a family person, but I deserve friends too, right?

Right now, I could go weeks without a phone call other than from my Mom. I could go weeks without posting on Facebook without anyone even wondering where I am. To me that is kind of sad.


OK, back on track... Food today has been ok. I didn't do horrible, but I ate more than I should have. My calories are still within my limits, but I am sure I cut into my exercise burn.

I did climb my front steps today. One of my goals for TRFSC was to go up and down 30 times. I made it. My thighs were burning and I felt pretty smothery at the end with all this chest congestion going on, but I still did it. Maybe I'll go for 35 or 40 times when I am feeling 100%. I also got on the treadmill and walked a half a mile. I know a half of a mile is no where near what I can do, but I'm still sick and walking was making me cough like a madman.

I think I'm getting my mojo back, I even got on the scales this morning. I saw a nice drop. I'm very close to where I was before my crazy 2 lbs gain. If I could just get over this cold and get my eating back in line.

I guess I better get my pity partying rear in the bed. I already feel a million times better just by getting that all out in the air. Thank you all so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate you all so much!

Nite. Nite.


  1. I've been there too... that place where it seems like you're the only one putting any effort into the friendships. I'm glad you've been able to stand up for yourself, even if it means the people who expected that unfairness to continue.

    I wonder how many people have felt that way... Maybe even the people that have made you feel used or effort-exhausted?

    I've found that sense of "don't waste my time" has given me more self respect, efficiency and helped me keep only the productive and positive people around. Also... it's helped change my perspective on what's important to remember and what efforts will go recognized. Some people don't know how much effort we put into relationships.

  2. Venting is good - and if I lived in the States, I'd definitely call and see how you were doing :)

    I think you take on a lot on your own. Don't underestimate how much strength that takes. Not everyone can do it, and I think you've been doing great with all that you're dealing with.


    1. You are too kind! I don't know what I did to deserve your friendship, but I am sure thankful I have it. *hugs*

  3. Hi! I found your blog over at 3FC and just wanted to say hi. Your posts and progress have been such an encouragement to me.
    Though I sort of have the friends built in bc I have a ton of sisters, I have been able to relate to your feelings at different times in my life. What I have found is that once the "conditional" friends fall away there is always a time of mourning, because even dysfunctional friendships can make you feel good, needed, etc. But now you are at a place where you have the luxury of choosing your friends! It will take work, and I know you're tired of being the only friend doing the work, but if you do it right you will meet people who know and relate to you on your own terms. I don't know if you go to church, but I have met some of my best friends there. Find people with whom you have common ground, and then intentionally pursue them.
    You can always look me up on Facebook!

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I am glad that I can be an encouragement to you.

      I do go to church on occasion. Not as much as I should though. Not something I am proud of, considering I am a ministers daughter.

      I'd love to be Facebook friends. Of to see if I can figure your page.